I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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