nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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