take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
