Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
