I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
