if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
