I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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