Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
