Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
