I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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