what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
