I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
