Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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