my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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