The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
