there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
