I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
