im six kinds of drunk right now
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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