My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
