No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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