He uses pillows to masturbate.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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