i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
We named our party play list daddy issues
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize