Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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