i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
