Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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