I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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