dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i wish my penis had a tongue
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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