Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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