Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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