is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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