your room smells of hookers.
And success
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
