It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize