I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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