I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize