all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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