uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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