i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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