Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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