I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Let's get the cat blown out
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
