I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
