Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
