the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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