peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
