my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Randomize
