Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
