I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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