I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize