Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
