He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
