she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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