thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
