Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
