I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
