why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's rum buckets o'clock
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
