some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
