I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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