so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
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