I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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